SPEECHLESS

[Sam Alistair Buckley]

And I know that it’s complicated,
But I’m a loser in love.

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Water stirred out of the shower[/font][/COLOR] head onto his naked body. A sigh escaped his mouth as he enjoyed the hot water. This was what Sam liked the most, he couldn’t help it but having something with the shower. If he could date the thing he would. Though, a man was actually something he needed. ‘Something’ – It made it sound as if it was a toy he needed. Just some kind of weird thing that he could replace every now and then, just as he pleased. But he couldn’t. That was what he wanted. He had a lot of sex. He needed the intimacy, not that he was proud about his sex escaped. His shame was based on the image his father drew for him. His father didn’t or couldn’t believe his youngest son was gay. Why? That was the mystery. He never told Sam, he couldn’t speak about it. The word gay wasn’t supposed to be used by any of the maids or family members. It was strange to see everyone so fucked up about his coming out. Coming out, is also a big term for what actually happened. There was this family dinner, to which everyone needed to come to. There was this big announcement. There in fact had been a big announcement, but the one father had implied was nothing to what Sam had done. He was so done, escaping his faith, that he asked for a moment. He got it, in that moment he told his entire family and friends of the family, that he was gay. His father laughed. It was a hysterical laugh. He was escorted away, and a moment later he was eye to eye with his father. Who told him, he couldn’t act as he had. He wasn’t allowed to say a word about it. He had to understand he wasn’t gay, that couldn’t be happening.

Sam stepped out of the[/font][/COLOR] shower. He grabbed a towel on his way to his bedroom. He was so glad he was now all by himself. He had no bossy fathers around him who told him what he should or couldn’t do. That was the freedom he longed for. Besides that, he could invite guys at his place. He had done so. The internet had been a big temptation. He had his share, but when he noticed how stupid it was. There were guys who only wanted him for a good fuck. They just wanted to shove there treasure inside of him, or longed for his tool to be in there hole. Sam felt sorry for himself. He was disgust by it. He knew he was guy, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t find love like anyone else. He would fall in love, by accident. Seeking it would only make it harder to find one. He had taken an STD test, just to be sure he wasn’t infected by any weird decease. He thanked god on his bare knees that his fears didn’t became reality, because he wasn’t sure if he would be able to handle that. He got dressed, just a simple shirt and jeans. He stepped into his shoes, not feeling the urge to wear socks. IT wasn’t needed, in the month September you could still walk like he did outside. It wasn’t really cold, but the summer came to an end and that was something noticeable. ”Fuck.” It was his harsh deep voice which echoed through the hall way of his apartment complex as he noticed there was a hole in his shirt. He made a face and walked back to grab himself a knitted vest. He wasn’t a real fan of them as they itched so now and then. He didn’t care about that now. He just wanted to get out. Get a drink or something.

He sauntered through the streets[/font][/COLOR], looking for something nice. Something that wasn’t home, which wasn’t familiar to him or anyone else. He didn’t want home, that would rip open the wound of rejection, because that was the feeling he felt when his father told him it would pass. Like it was some sort of flue, which would pass when you quiet for a while. It wasn’t something which could be cured, and if his father wasn’t able to accept him for who he was, then he didn’t want his father in his life. He could live without the man. He didn’t need his money. It hadn’t come that far. His father believed that he went to college as a normal young man would. No one knew about his secret life. He couldn’t tell. What if they told it to friends who told it to their friends who accidently knew his father. That would lead to his death. He would be lynched. He suddenly stopped. He was tired, he legs didn’t want to move anymore. He looked around him, trying to see where he was. His phone told him it was almost eleven. He was right in front of a pub, he could get a beer, that would hurt him. He deliberated it for a minute, but stepped in. His held high, he had nothing to hide and nothing to show.

O P E N, C A T ' S M E O W, 8 6 4

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[Nathan Jacob Evans]

"One more time!" a tipsy Nathan called from atop the piano. The thing was old, terribly out of tune, scratched, and a key was missing; but to drunk people, it played the most beautiful music one had ever heard. Nathan took a moment to think, reminding himself that he was more than likely making a giant fool of himself. Nathan pushed the thoughts away, dedciding he didn't care.

He'd had one of the most revolting days of his life, and a little care-free attitude was just what he needed to liven up his day. Nathan took a swig from his Long Islan iced tea, then told the man sitting at the piano,"Play something smooth Johnny! Let's bring this baby home." Nathan didn't even know the guy; his name most likely wasn't Johnny.

As Nathan sang, his mind reflected on the days events: a failed Trig. test, having to skip lunch to study for the make-up test on Friday, blowing a audition because of being upset of failing said test, and then twisting his ankle from general clumsiness. He pushed the thoughts away, stopping singing for long enough to take another swig of the Long Island next to him. Everyone else was allready drunk, so they probably didn't even notice that he'd stopped singing.

Laying back down on the top of the piano, he picked up where he'd left off; singing the blues. Again he thought he might look like a fool, but he had a bad day. This is how he was choosing to deal with it. It probably wasn't the best way to deal with it, but it certainly helped. Nathan finally reached the end of his song, as the momentary pianst gave a bluesy endlick lick on the piano. "Say boys! That was so fun!" Nathan said as he hoped up off the piano. The alcohol was going to his head, causing him to stumble around. "You know what? I had such a good time! Wasn't I good fellas, I mean..wasn't I good?!" he asked. He was greeted with agreement and applause from his momentary cohorts.

Nathan grabbed the remainder of his drink, then stumbled over to the bar, setting himself on a barstool. He smiled up at the bartender, then took another drink. "You know? I think I did a real good job singin'." he said, not noticing if there was anyone around to ever hear what he said.